1. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
2. Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking
3. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
- Albert Schweitzer
4. Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.
- Amy Sedaris
5. Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
- Bill Hicks
6. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
7. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
- Kurt Vonnegut
8. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
9. Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.
- Charles Bukowski
10. The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.
- Marjorie Pay Hinckley
11. Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
- Robert Orben
12. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield
13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- George Carlin
14. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen
15. I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.
- Douglas Coupland
16. A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man
- Arthur Schopenhauer
17. Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
18. All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
- Blaise Pascal, Pensées
19. I'm tired of this back-slappin' isn't humanity neat bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
- Bill Hicks
20. We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
- Douglas Adams
21. Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
22. Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you!
— Russ Cargill
- Matt Groening
23. Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
- George Saunders
24. What ho! I said.
What ho! said Motty.
What ho! What ho!
What ho! What ho! What ho!
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
- P.G. Wodehouse, My Man Jeeves
25. The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
(The Decider, July 21, 2007)
- Bill Maher
26. Most men are not wicked... They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.
- Franz Kafka
27. Life, said Marvin dolefully, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
- Douglas Adams
28. Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.
- Abraham Lincoln
29. I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
- Samuel Johnson
30. The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
- Bill Hicks
31. The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams
32. A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
33. Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.
- Winston S. Churchill
34. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.
- E.B. White
35. Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.
- Honoré de Balzac
36. He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.
- Oscar Wilde
37. That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye
- Richard Armour
38. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- Shirley Temple Black
39. Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.
- Russell Brand
40. I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.
- Albert Camus
Thank you for reading.
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