Relationships often operate on a continuum of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. When relationships are healthy they need work by both partners to continue to remain healthy. If a relationship is showing signs of being unhealthy, it is still possible to make changes to have a healthier relationship (if both partners are willing to work on the relationship). The first step to changing a relationship is to identify and evaluate the characteristics of the relationship.
Healthy Relationships
Some signs of a healthy relationship:
- You feel calm, centered and focused.
- The intimacy is safe, supportive, respectful, non-punitive and peaceful.
- You feel wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship.
- Your partner brings out the best qualities in you and allows you to grow.
- You feel part of something and not alone in a relationship.
- You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offenses.
- You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship.
- Provides a sense of directedness with plan and order.
- You are able to be comfortable and do not need to worry about the minute details of the relationship.
- Feelings and the process of the relationship comes before things and money.
- Encourages your personal growth and supports individuality.
HEALTHY - unhealthy - abusive
Some questions to ask yourself
- Does my relationship sound, look and feel like this description?
- What factors impede my ability to have this kind of relationship?
- Am I able to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically intimate?
- Do I have an openly affectionate relationship with healthy emotionally based communication?
- How important is it to me to have healthy intimacy in my relationship?
Unhealthy Relationships
Some warning signs of unhealthy love
- Feeling consumed in the relationship
- Extremely afraid to let go
- Excessive fear or risk
- Little individual growth
- Few truly intimate experiences
- Playing mind games/power games
- Trying to get something by giving
- Trying to change people
- Needing others to feel secure and happy
- Refusing to commit
- Frequently experiencing negative emotions
- Being afraid of affection and closeness
- Cares with excessive detachment
- Looking to others for self-worth
These warning signs show you when there are areas of your relationship that may not be healthy. However, identifying with multiple areas of unhealthy love may be a sign of an abusive relationship.
Effects of an Unhealthy Relationship
Unhealthy relationships can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, anger, or low self-esteem. They can also contribute to mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety. People in unhealthy relationships tend to develop substance use disorders more frequently than those that are not in an unhealthy relationship. There is also an increase in negative physical health effects for people that are a part of an unhealthy relationship. Some of these negative effects include increased risk for: a heart problem, high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and a weaker immune system. Overall, unhealthy relationships have been linked to a range of mental, social, and physical problems, which only reflects the importance that our relationships have in our lives.
What to do if you determine you have an unhealthy relationship
If you are dealing with an unhealthy relationship there are ways to try to make changes to this relationship. The first step is trying to improve communication to address the unhealthy behaviors when they occur. (Note: You should only do this if it is safe. If you are in an abusive relationship, this kind of confrontation may not be safe. The third section will help you identify signs of an abusive relationship.)
Finally, if nothing you do or say changes the unhealthy behavior, consider separating yourself or at least distancing yourself from this relationship. This may mean temporary or permanent separation. But doing nothing will only expose you to the unhealthy physical and psychological effects of stress and ongoing conflict.
Section2 – Improving Communication
Guidelines for Arguing with Respect
An argument between intimate partners has the purpose of clearing the air and expressing deep feelings in order to build a more unified life. Keep your goal in mind - the goal of improving your relationship.
- State your feelings by using the word “I” and naming an emotion:
“I feel hopeless when you constantly criticize me.” This is a constructive way to express feelings and furnishes others with information about the effects of their behavior.
Saying “I think you should . . .” is an opinion that can make others stop listening or strike back. “I feel that you . . .” disguises opinions as feelings.
“You make me feel . . .” is blaming.
- Make requests by asking questions: “Would you tell me something I’ve done well before you criticize me?”
Even when people understand how you feel, they still may not know what to do.
It is up to you to identify what you would like from them.
It helps to list three things others can do to resolve issues.
Saying “I would like you to . . .” is a statement and does not require a commitment.
“Could you . . .” asks if others are able and implies that if they can do something, they should.
“Would you . . .” gives others the freedom to say “No” while encouraging cooperation.
- Set limits by knowing what you are willing and not willing to do:
“I will act hard of hearing when you don’t say something kind before you complain.”
If others do not respond to your requests or offer acceptable solutions of their own, it is time to stop talking and act.
Actions can be playful, like the one above, or adamant: “If you continue to yell, I will leave for an hour.” Often, it is unnecessary to state your limits out loud.
When others can sense that you will take action, they are more responsive. Complaints, criticisms, and orders focus on others and start with the word “You.” Instead, turn useless “you messages” into words that work.
Putting it All Together to Problem Solve in a Relationship
Stay Cool
- Take a deep breath.
- Count to ten (or twenty).
- Tell yourself
- I feel good when I stay in control.
- I don’t need to fight.
Cool Off Your Partner
- Say: “This isn’t worth fighting over.”
- Say: “I have nothing against you, and I don’t want to fight.”
- If someone insults you, ask “why would you want to say that?”
- Use your sense of humor to help your partner lighten up.
Listen to Your Partner
- Look him or her in the eye, nod, say: “I see”.
- Restate what is said, then ask, “Is that right?”
- Don’t get too close to the other person. Keep your tone of voice even.
Stand Up for Yourself
- Use “I” statements to state your position and tell how you think and feel.
- Give reasons for why you feel as you do.
- Make requests and set limits.
- Stand tall.
- Speak with confidence.
Show Respect
- Don’t say what is wrong with the other person.
- Say, “I see where you’re coming from.”
- Say, “I understand why you might feel that way.”
- Agree where you can
- If you have done something wrong, apologize.
Solve the Problem
- Suggest a compromise.
- Ask the other person to suggest a compromise.
- Consider other possible solutions.
- Ask problem-solving question: Why? Why not? What if?
- Consider the possible consequences of each.
Section 3 - Abusive Relationships
Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and are usually the actions that allow others to become aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the batterer, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger system of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only once or occasionally, they instill threat of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control of the woman’s life and circumstances.
The Relationship Bill Of Rights
Without shame, blame or guilt:
1. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
2. I have a right to follow my own values and standards.
3. I have the right to say no and not feel guilty.
4. I have the right to experience and express my feelings.
5. I have the right to feel safe.
6. I have the right to take time for myself.
7. I have the right to change my mind.
8. I have the right to ask for what I want.
9. I have the right to ask for information.
10. I have the right to make mistakes.
11. I have the right to choose the level of intimacy I want.
12. I have the right to be me and feel good about myself.
13. I have the right to leave conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated.
14. I have the right to act only in ways that will promote my dignity and self-respect.
15. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”.
16. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
17. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
18. I have the right to all of my feelings.
19. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments, or any reason that I choose.
20. I have the right to change and grow.
21. I have the right to be happy.
22. I have the right to make friends and be myself around people.
23. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
24. I have the right to both experience and let go of fear, guilt, and shame.
25. I have the right to end the relationship.